Freakishly Awkward Questions

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Let me preface this entry by saying that these are questions that typically arise in my conversations with friends and family when discussing this site. I have to assume that the rest of the world may be asking them too, and I feel obliged to answer. It's the least I can do.

So, I thought this was a dirty site with naked chicks and buttered sides?
You’re barking up the wrong tree. Just because my site has the word “buttered” and “side” in it does not mean that it’s sexy time here.  I prefer my butter on food. Guess I missed the whole Land O’ Lakes fettish in the bedroom.

I came here looking for tips on how to butter my toast…
Still in the wrong place… however, since you are here now I don’t want to completely waste your time. I’ll throw you a bone: the best buttered toast really starts with fresh ingredients. I start with threshing my own wheat for the bread I bake. This will ultimately allow the fresh butter that you churn to spread evenly on the freshly baked bread. Using a titanium butter knife smelted in your own garage is key. If the knife is still hot, it cuts into the freshly churned butter which goes on your freshly baked, sun toasted bread quite smoothly. For best results, I think the "Hungarian Butter Knife Toe Hold" is the best grip to use when applying the butter.

Well then sassy pants, what does “The Buttered Side” refer to?
I feel like life with my family has transformed me into a walking poster child for Murphy’s Law. Of course, calling this website Murphy’s Law is pretty old school, not to mention a probable infringement on copyrights, as well as a million other things that refer to this age old concept. I looked and browsed and thought of a bunch of really stupid names for my site and stumbled upon this nice ditty written long ago:

“I’ve never had a slice of bread, particularly large and wide
That did not fall upon the floor, and always on the buttered side”

…and so goes my life.

Why did you start this blog?
I was outgrowing the status updates on Facebook, I am too longwinded for Twitter and I’m too cheap to pay for therapy.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Well, it would be awesome to be paid for writing, which would then allow me to call myself a “writer”. If I reverted back to my “inner child”, I would say I wanted to be a horse jockey…but that’s just ridiculous. In high school I wanted to be a journalist. Then I learned it was a hit or miss career. And, I since I grew up with more “practical” parents, I went for college degrees where a job was guaranteed at the end. Now that I’m a mom, I am trying to not impose my own ideas of what the right path is for my kids. For example, Bubb recently informed me that he wants to be in an angry mob when he grows up. Instead of squashing his dreams, I have decided to lovingly support him at being the best angry mobster he can be.

Why all the undercover secrecy with names, photos, and personal information?
Bottom line, I'm paranoid and owe my children and family safety and privacy. Especially since I tell embarrassing stories about them. They've given me that much, and it's enough. I already have them stalking me in my own home.

Do you plan on cluttering up your site with diaper ads, breast pump giveaways, feminine freshness coupons, and stretch mark gel promos?
I didn’t start this site to make money. I don’t want to sell out and have so much commercial bling-vertising that you can’t figure out where my content is or what it is…but it would be nice to make a little (or a lot) of money doing something I love. Anyhow, let’s just say, some tasteful ads aren’t out of the question. I think Tiffany’s would find it highly beneficial to sponsor me... I'm all about class.

We are expecting our first child in a couple months. What advice can you give us as first time parents?
I assume you have not yet read any of my posts if you are coming to me for advice. If you did, you’d notice that I’m just stumbling around parenthood as it is... in more ways than one. If you must know my secret, personally I think wine with dinner helps. Not too bad with breakfast and lunch either.

What is your favorite cheesecake recipe?
Whoopsie – you did it again; I’m not a cooking website. And remember, I’m not the other kind of “cheesecake” website either.

That's a lot of information and I can't remember any of it.
Let me summarize. The Buttered Side is NOT a hoochie-coochie x-rated site, a culinary site, an advice column, open forum, or the Sunday ads; The Buttered Side IS a blog, on Twitter and Facebook, cyber therapy, written and developed by a mom, and very proud of you for having read this till the very end. You must belong here...welcome home...everything will be okay.