Jun
30
2012

Stuff

So, you’ve moved into your new home and are surrounded by towers of boxes that appear to have been be packed by Dr. Suess characters and are all marked “misc”. It has left you scratching your head as you ask yourself, “where the f*#% do I start?”

You could start with the only box that is labeled: “Cat stuff”; but then you wonder why on God’s green earth the cat has it’s own box of “stuff”. What kind of “stuff” could an old, plump, lazy domestic cat possibly need? Does he miss this stuff?  And why does he have so much of it?

Already you realize you have given too much time to the cat and his “stuff” just by being irritated that his is the only box properly labeled. It’s more fun to imagine what’s in the box rather than open it. You picture nip filled mice and balls of yarn intermingling with secret weapons of mass destruction, a time machine and a dubious plot book with lists of who to kill next. That box is going back in the garage… the cat can live without his “stuff” another day. You want YOUR stuff. People stuff. Important stuff.

Given that your hands are crippled from carrying so many boxes, they can no longer serve as a means by which you can scoop water into your mouth from the sink, so cups might be an excellent item to locate. Cups… cups… cups…. “Where the efff are the cups?” you ask. You spy a box that looks like it would be for cups, only to find a box of chickens. Yes… chickens, as in the collection of assorted fake chickens that hatched from one to twenty over the past few years because somebody saw that you had ONE cute, whimsical chicken in your old kitchen and thought you needed another. Then someone else saw that you had two and should have three. Which made the next person see all three and think you actually collected chickens and has bought you more chickens. So, now you have an entire box of freaking chickens… but still, no cups.

You spot a box… labeled “barware”. The fact that it’s labeled with something other than “misc” or “cat stuff” has you oddly excited. And barware is a bonus. Who needs water when you can have wine? Or at least water in a wine glass…

You hear the tell tale jingle of a glass-tasrophe, but hope for the moment while you are ripping open the box that it’s not what you think it is. Then, you find out it IS what you think it is… broken. Five wine glasses… shattered. Apparently, it was crushed under the weight of the cat stuff. So, you cry for a moment because so far all you have is broken barware, chickens… and cat stuff.

You choose the next box to open based on size, and it’s small. You manage to excavate ceramic measuring cups. Not technically drinking cups, but that’ll do for now. The frying pan you found moments prior was too difficult to drink out of and blocked your field of vision, causing you to trip of the box of cat stuff. And now that you’ve had your thirst quenched, you finally find a box of “stuff” you can put away in your new house and not send back to the garage. A hop is back in your step...

...And another, and another… until you’ve been hopping around the kitchen in circles trying to figure out where to put the very first item. One little stack of measuring cups…. Where do they go? You try one drawer, but then realize it’s too deep of a drawer for stuff like measuring cups. Then you find the perfect size drawer, put it in… then re-enact an imaginary cooking scenario where you would need the every single measuring cup in a hurry. Even though you never cook as if it were an emergency, your dramatization has to cover the worse case scenario. You need a half-cup cream of mushroom… STAT.

Nope. Just doesn’t work… because the cups are in the wrong spot. Through the process of over thinking and over dramatizing, you have convinced yourself that you’d most likely get a cooking injury if you leave the measuring cups in that location… possibly a dislocated shoulder, broken hip… who knows. Kitchen organization is VERY important… in fact, more important than going to the bathroom which you have held for an hour because you don’t even have toilet paper and don’t want to look for it. Finding the perfect place for the measuring cups is all that matters. Food will burn and your family will starve if it’s just thoughtlessly tossed in any old drawer.

After drawing diagrams and a game plan, you find a cabinet that works well with your kitchen strategy and are pumped up once again to put another thing away. Fist pump!

Next up in the box of kitchen misc is… flatware… wow. That’s like moving box gold. Almost forgot about utensils. You think the drawer by the fridge is best. Until… you do the pretend cooking and eating scenario. Half way through the pantomimed coffee stirring routine, you find a flaw with the placement of your utensils; too far from the dishwasher and the obvious cabinet for bowls. You consider that yes, the spoons are in a good spot of coffee…. But what about the cereal eaters? Will they survive? You don’t want to be responsible for injuring bowl users because of your neglectful placement of the silverware. So, you move it. Until you find the box of bowls, and realize… they don’t fit in the cabinet and would best fit where the measuring cups are.

Time to open that box of cat stuff...

 

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