Rhymes With Snorty...

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In less than a week, I will be f...ffff...fffffffffffffff... I will be... forty. There, I said it... and to be honest, I'm kinda pissed. I’m not grooving with the “I’m every woman” or “more than a woman” or “older and wiser” or even the “sexy cougar” thing. All I feel is a lump in my throat and a pain in my neck from thinking I could still head-bang in an old timers mosh pit the other night. Just a tip: don’t do it. It hurts... and probably doesn’t look as cool as you might think it does when you’re doing it, especially if you’re any older than 21.

The only thing that might make me feel better is knowing... or hoping, that I’m not alone. For those of you who are just a step behind me, I’ve compiled a short list of tell tale signs that you are quickly approaching forty... or even scarier, turning into me.

  • Your blog posts have been reduced to lists.
  • You receive three whisks for Christmas. As if one wasn’t bad enough...
  • You are happy to get a pimple… because it distracts from the new wrinkle on your forehead.
  • You look like a fool for trying to prevent a hangover by drinking four bottles of water and three VitaCocos at a kick ass New Year’s Eve party… and are too bloated to get past even one shot of tequila when the party gets going.
  • Dental floss is on the shopping list
  • You forget what you said less than a minute ago.
  • Your first experience with laughing gas results in blurting out to the dentist that you stepped in dog poop on the way there...and didn’t bother to change your shoes.
  • You forget what you said less than a minute ago.
  • Abstract art becomes more appealing... because you can get away with telling people you see something different, as opposed to not being able to see it at all...
  • You get a groin injury resulting in the need for physical therapy... and not from doing anything super fantastic like snowboarding or trapezing. Nope... just your run of the mill “playing on a tire swing with your daughter" incident.
  • The words “for crying out loud” escape your mouth, causing you to wonder if that was actually you or your mother speaking.
  • You start folding your underwear.
  • You can’t believe you were so worried about turning thirty.


0 #2 RE: Rhymes With Snorty... 2012-07-29 21:36
Just wait, it gets worse. Menopause... I just turned 48... and the memory thing...SOOOO true.
0 #1 RE: Rhymes With Snorty... 2012-01-10 09:49
Oh Mamma!!! Take heart, I turn 45 next month, enjoy your birthday, whippersnapper; )

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